just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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