Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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