...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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