mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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