so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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