my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
