If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
