So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
