Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
