haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
