dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
