I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
