It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
