He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
