He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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