im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
