My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
