We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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