I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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