Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
