you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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