My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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