Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I am naked and annoyed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
