You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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