When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
