two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
