so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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