Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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