why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
