I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
