Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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