mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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