I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
