so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
