wrigley field is MILF paradise
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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