Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
