My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
