really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
