highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
