He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
