hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
