Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
