It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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