Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
