They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
