you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
