I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
