I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
