Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
