True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
