She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
