a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
