Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
