Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
