i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
