Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
