Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
