i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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